The Parchment War at Hogwarts
by Spongyllama
Summary: A dramatic parody of Harry Potter and in a slight flaw of the laws of physics: A parchment ball fight has broken out across Hogwarts. This could itself be a matter of life or death, where the men prove themselves as men...Worth a laugh. Rewritten.
1. It's a war, truly

AN- Rewritten! From years ago. It's a parody now, so if you like that, please read! Don't let your expectations go high, however, this might be lame :]. (I shouldn't say that if I want to attract readers, now should I?)

Lego Harry Potter: Years 1-4 was just released and it's really cute. I'm not really trying to advertise, but you should play it. Call me a huge nerd, but hey, who's reading fanfiction right now? You. Nerd.

Disclaimer: If you siriusly tell me that you think I own this, then you need a big reality check, man.

**The Parchment Ball War at Hogwarts**

Laced into the mysteries of Hogwarts were...certain aspects of the castle that were hardly mysteries at all. Silly things a certain headmaster chose to brighten up any spirits dimmed by Voldemort and his latest shenanigans.

That's right. Albus Dumbledore decided this Christmas to host Hogwarts Second Annual Art Show Boutique Festival Displaying and Judging contest. (When asked about the long name, Dumbledore would lightly remark that if he could have three middle nicknames, then the Art Show could have extra names, too.) (When asked about when the first annual art show was...well, people suspected that there had really never been a first.)

Hand-picked by Dumbledore to judge the contest were none others than Professors McGonagall, Flitwick and, of course, dear old Severus Snape.

The three sternly, excitedly, or lazily strolled up to the next painting, a detailed collage of flowers and various plants.

"I'd say eight and a half out of ten," said McGonagall, who had by now accepted that Dumbledore would not accept her refusal to judge an art show boutique festival – er... "It was put together well, but parts of it look like they were just thrown on and the ruin the overall effect of it."

"I think its wonderful!" Flitwick squeaked. Could he see the whole thing...?

"It's too bright," Snape said, bored. "And it looks like something that Neville Longbottom would have thrown together in hopes of being more liked by his peers."

"As a matter of fact," said Professor Sprout, popping up with a cheery smile, "Neville did do this one. He loves plants, you see."

Snape merely glared at the painting, apparently trying to burn a hole in it. Unfortunately, he didn't have wonderful laser beams, only the boring power of being a Legilimens and Occlumens. How boring.

In a completely unrelated story, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were lounging in the Gryffindor common room, being themselves.

"And I keep telling everyone how important S.P.E.W. is, but no one ever seems to listen. I saw at least four of my elf hats burnt from the fire the other day," Hermione was saying.

"Wasn't me who burnt them," Ron said, "I can tell you that."

…

"No, really, it was. Those things are ugly."

"Hermione, you know the house-elves don't want your freedom," Harry said, not looking at her.

"Well then we need to explain to them –"

"And that's why we got kicked out of the kitchens," Ron said, "By ugly, wrinkly little brown things."

"Oh, why don't you go get some tact and wolf down some food like you always do and I'll try to help a cause!"

"Oi!" came a call from Fred from across the common room. "Shut up, will you?"

"I'll shut up when people really think about the situation house-elves are in – oh!"

To shut her up, George crumpled up whatever parchment, probably untouched homework, was closest to him and tossed it with perfect aim at Hermione's head. The unexpected light force of the parchment wad threw her backwards, wobbling her chair a little, making Ron snort and several Muggleborns wonder if the laws of gravity and physics no longer applied and lightweight things now weighed at least ten pounds. Across the common room, there was a kid wondering what would happen if he in his inexperience tried to colour his girlfriend's hair blue, which is completely irrelevant to anything going on.

Forgetting any of that, Fred and George immediately began to ignore the "wonderful" trio of heroes and what was going on in the present in favour of what exactly the potential of a small wad of parchment was. That parchment ball had forced Hermione backward in her chair...perhaps another wad of larger parchment could do more?

Fred, thinking the exact same thing as George as often happens, grabbed messy homework from a miscellaneous first year that will never be mentioned again and wadded it up, throwing it at Katie Bell, who was standing with her back turned. When the small ball of paper collided dramatically with her head, she proceeded to topple over the table, knocking books to the side.

Ignoring cries of "What the hell just happened?" the twins proceeded to test their new hypothesis to greater lengths – perhaps a bigger piece of parchment to begin with, or even two pieces of parchment forced together, oh the daredevils. Some wads of parchment were thrown with a Beater's precision at prefects, and they suddenly wished that Percy was still in Hogwarts, because the author just decided that he had already left and is completely improvising this as she writes.

Students who were eager to either wreak havoc in the way that Gryffindors seem to like to do and other students who just wanted to be cool were soon picking up their wads of parchment to throw or sometimes levitate at other students. Only the students with all five senses greatly tuned – that's right, you needed taste to know where the parchment balls were coming from now – had any chance of avoiding the menacing, evil balls of parchment.

A few fourth years decided to Spello-tape at least 30 pieces of discarded homework together and were rolling them towards a couple of terrified first years. Papers were rocketing everywhere, and people were wondering how in the name of Merlin paper could possibly be this damaging. Forget food fights, forget Voldemort's war – THIS right here was how many noble Gryffindors would lose their lives.

Er..no, it wouldn't really get that out of hand, don't worry.

It was utter havoc in the Gryffindor common room, wads and huge balls of paper rolling or being thrown gracefully through the air as this chapter ends...

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

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	2. Yes, a war,,,

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Warning: This is really silly, and that's really all I can say about it.

**ETAPA DOS– ER, CHAPTER TWO**

Through the hustle and bustle, no one noticed the creak of the Fat Lady's portrait opening to reveal a flustered Minerva McGonagall, who had broken away from the art show of no purpose to shout, "WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON IN HERE?" Unfortunately, the only people who noticed were prefects who themselves were trying to restore order and a few first years who were sobbing helplessly under a table that some sixth years were standing on.

"WHO STARTED THIS?" she tried again, her lips in their trademark thin state and her skin pale. Obviously, no one would shout "Hey, it was those Weasley twins!" because, as we've already mentioned, everyone was ignoring her in favour of throwing balls of parchment everywhere. She proceeded to storm out, but not before waving her wand at a few third years who were pelting a few second years with parchment. She would be speaking to Professor Dumbledore about this one.

Or..that's what she planned on doing, but she was pushed to the ground as people swarmed into the corridor, down the stairs, and all around the castle, in the Great Hall, EVERYWHERE.

Yeah, that word was in capitals for emphasis, not italics, what are you going to do about it?

Somehow, like in the canon universe of the books where people sometimes just "knew what to do without having to think about it," the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff common rooms burst open and there were even more teenagers running around and wasting all the parchment imaginable. Hopefully they'll recycle after.

It was utter havoc. Enough havoc that I could describe it all to you, but there was just so much havoc that that would take centuries. Really, that's not an exaggeration. There was so much havoc. Take my word for it.

Okay, maybe there wasn't THAT much havoc, but there was a LOT of havoc.

Suddenly, looming dark clouds rolled in and outside the gates of Hogwarts smoked in dozens of Death Eaters. Smoked, like in the movies. Because those Death Eaters are too cool for normal Apparation, they have to make it look like they can turn into black smoke monsters while traveling. Oh, but, among this crowd of Death Eaters and evil minions was none other than Voldemort, who flicked his wand at the huge gate and walked right onto the castle grounds, because this is a parody and anything can happen in any way.. Plus, Dumbledore's busy with his little art show, which still serves very little purpose.

The truth was, Voldemort had quickly learned of the havoc – getting tired of that word yet? – from some Slytherins, probably, and came to master this art of "parchment-ball-throwing" to take over the entire Wizarding world. But Voldemort was just an evil antagonist, and we all know that most of the time, they don't win.

Thundering through the large oak doors like a herd of Death Eaters, the Death Eaters were ready to eat some death. Er...they were ready to help their lord learn this new art. But suddenly, because the word suddenly implies that something happened suddenly, Harry came running down the stairs in slow motion –

…

…

…wait, he's almost there...

…

…

…

…

…

–and he threw the parchment ball towards Voldemort's head...in slow motion.

…

…

No, I won't do that again.

The parchment ball collided like a 100 pound or some number kilo weight and blasted Voldemort off the ground and into a wall, because that's something else that happens a lot in Harry Potter. Dumbledore came running in through the hall because he ran Muggle track in his spare time and waved his wand in some super fast movement, sending all Voldemort's minions and Voldemort out of Hogwarts and away from Hogsmeade instead of confining the Death Eaters to Azkaban and doing something clever with Voldemort to keep him from doing his evil.

And at last the day was saved, thanks to the Powerpuff – oh, sorry.

And at last the day was saved thanks to the balls of parchment that had started the whole mess in the first place.

Today in Hogwarts, the physics of parchment apparently applied no more. Tomorrow would come, and that was when they would have to worry about detentions and cleaning this mess up. Tomorrow...

END.

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